from a hammock on a hill (subtitled: random meanderings)

i feel alive here. now. this moment, in the hammock. before the cicadas take an afternoon nap. listening to the singer who stabbed himself in the heart. when my only purpose is in the search for recuperation and self-knowledge.

the “x” in the equation is working. feeling judged and self-conscious at my job. guilt for my inability to attain some level of perfection. allowing others to define my self-worth and emotions. how do i regain the power of self-sufficiency? or is that another form of weakness?

would it help to tell myself that i can’t live up to the expectations i had for my teaching? that can’t transform them into self-knowing global citizens? that, if they are ready for the ideas, at best i can help them on the path? recognizing that no single person can do it all, even though hindsight attributes most awakenings to one moment. one person. we see our lives in the black and white tones of realization rather than the complex unfolding of gradual emancipation. do we sell out when we recognize the truth, stripped of idealism? or is the greatest lesson in humbleness to do the best we can without guilt?

there are two viable options among many choices. i can run, keeping in mind it did not become an option until someone else made the suggestion. fleeing is the hard decision. or i can learn how to create the feeling of the hammock in the classroom. in meetings. in the hallways. i can’t stay here without owning my emotions.

it’s easier for others to decide for me.

a single langur crept out onto a branch. eating leaves. three followed, bounding and from other trees. they simultaneously noticed the hammock sitter. we stared into each others’ eyes, their black faces gazing inquisitively from the leafy green tree. well, or they weren’t inquisitive and the human looking at them ignorantly anthropomorphized their emotions. that i am simply different, worth peering at. i decided they might enjoy “proudest monkey” and realized that i have lost my humbleness in the yearning to become something more special.

i’ve made two life-decisions (whatever that means) by flipping a rupee. in actuality, the decisions had already unfolded somewhere between a rooftop in udaipur and a crowded hospital corridor in mussoorie. the coin toss was just some formality that i needed to justify my indecision. the first was to stay in india. the second to go.

my most recent decision is one made after awakening in feverish confusion over a month, fists clenched in a constant worry inescapable by sleep. resolving to leave to recover from typhoid is something i am trying to fully embrace.

this is an easy place for judgment. when jenell struggled with leaving ghana i was the one to moralize about remaining, sticking it out. but we all reach our limits. can you still hear the indecision in me? the wavering confusion? but then there’s the necessity to make some decisions based on oneself. i spend this time justifying, even though i know it’s right.