sympathetic noose

so i’ve had typhoid for almost a month. and i’m tired of talking about it. and i am tired of people’s unsolicited advice and questions (specifically, if another person asks me what i’ve been eating, i will end my nonviolent streak). as the malady has been particularly persistent, i had to go back to lch (the hospital with no phone). on saturday, brian brought me back for the night. when he left, i lost my shit. it’s difficult to describe a moment of intense emotion in hindsight. i started sobbing, alone in my indian hospital room, feeling more alone than ever before. i felt like the kindergartener, dropped off at school for the first day. a place too foreign and an experience too new. and, i am not as powerless as a kindergartener. so, through the tears i decided to depart, though i was supposed to spend the night. it was 11:30 pm and i knew that if i didn’t leave the micro-situation that i would need to leave india. i walked with no real destination in mind, winding up the head-lamp-lit trails. i ended up at brian’s, playing connect four and speed and looking at shooting stars with him and laura until 4:30 am.

it’s bizarre to lose most of the things that define you. being energetic, passionate, adventuresome, etc. not teaching my full course load for weeks on end, staying in mussoorie instead of traveling. though i know there are a billion more serious situations in others’ lives, this has been a… i don’t even know what to call it. a challenge? it’s given me time (sometimes far too much) to reflect on myself, shown me how much (for good or bad) we rely on each other while simultaneously showing me how important it is to (try to) be enough in and of myself. i’m currently sprawled in a hammock looking at the snows (out for the first time in over a week) and listening to the cicadas. hopefully i’ll be able to go back to work soon. and when i do, i will probably long for the days of typhoid, sleeping in the sun and living a snail’s pace existence. the days of hammock-sitting selfishness when i fail to define myself as a teacher or a recent college graduate or a middle class woman or a foreigner.