on how i am hungry

man. idealism is not pramatic for a reason. no one would do anything if they had any real idea of the implications. take fasting. in my 51st hour, i feel the need for reflection (surprise, surprise). now, i am not doing this because of the size of my thighs. i guess, it would be nice if it were that easy. and, if that were my primary motivation, i would've probably given up a few days ago. but, i am reading siddhartha, the perfect book for quelling illusions, hungers and cravings. so it's more than the girth of my thighs.

i always thought fasts, especially for religious reasons, were bullshit. but, i am empowered in my weak knees and shaky hands by the past. for 24 years, i have never said no to myself. ever. i am the queen of cravings, gluttony, the perfect bite and all that is chewable. i love food. last year, i gained 20 pounds while i had typhoid (a disease that typically includes extreme weight loss) because of my emotional eating. not only that, but i am a holder-onner. in the face of change, i would rather stay the caterpillar instead of the butterfly. it's just how i was built, for whatever reason. i neeed to clean this house out. there are too many things here, too much archaic emotion. this is timely. this is perfect. this must be done. the home i have built for myself in this place is almost no longer mine. the family i have created is moments away from disbanding. it's time.

the first day i could only think of food. yesterday, i must have hit some sort of store for emotions, and spent much of the evening wandering around my house, putting clothes away, watching grey's, crying all the while. this intense emotionality led to my main fears, change seemed constant and the scab of illusion covering the reality of truly being alone in the world was completely absent. today, i am not hungry, persay. i crave every food that's ever touched my lips. and i am exhausted. but, somehow, i haven't lost the drive of determination, proving that i can be stonger than my greatest weaknesses. like all hunger, then, fasting does not just induce only food cravings. somehow, it's every sort of hunger ever experienced. and, what i am hoping, is to find the bottom of the well, where there's nothing. but, first, it's going to get worse before there's any chance of a better.

this post is purely cathartic. i didn't mean to tell the world. but, it's lunchtime. i am dizzy with hunger and the samosas from tea waft into my nostrils, causing my mouth to water. i don't mean to make this a public event. but i am freaking out. and funnily, in the face of vulnerability and fear, rather than reeling in, i pan out. so. so...