cheeto stains and other confessions

“cigarettes and chocolate milk. these are just a couple of my cravings. everything it seems i like’s a little bit stronger a little bit thicker a little bit harmful for me… if i were to buy jelly beans, i would eat them all in just one sitting… it isn’t very smart… tends to make one part so broken-hearted…”

in the effort to manufacture perfect bites, moments and meals, i have created an undesirably strong tendency to emotionally eat my concerns away. what was once a humorous personality trait of instant gratification has spiraled into a dysfunctional co-dependant love affair mired with the veil of immediate “fullness” and lasting self-hatred. ultimately, it is just a single affliction under the unbrella of seeking sustenance outside of myself. and the entire problem exploded in my face in one last blaze of gluttonous glory. in actuality, FAR FROM glory.

and as i greet the situation honestly, i do not conceal my fear of judgment. i consistently simplify the depths of my emotions when i am ashamed of myself, and i feel that wave of “this is a stupid feeling” coming on strong. either way. mourning the passing of bad habits happens. so i am giving up junk food and dessert and chocolate and chips. i’ve hated my body secretly (and blatantly) for 8 years and not had the strength to stop. you can only bring demons with you so long before you tell them to get the fuck away. or to leave them behind while decisively moving in another direction. “every moment is another chance to turn it all around.”

i have rarely felt so strong and simultaneously weak as when i turned to my guru for help. i hate admitting weakness. i hate that i have a problem letting go. if i were a shakespearean tragic hero my fatal flaw would be attachment. as i flip through my journal it returns again and again in different arenas. i’ve always struggled with the valley between self-acceptance and the desire to fight demons. and i have said time and again that i want to change. however, not until now is the desire to change authentic.

a lot of people give up dessert for lent. and i never really understood the push to give up something you love in that circumstance. but now, when the faith is all about faith in myself i get it. no one can do this for me. no one can save me but myself. this is me saying “emough.” enough of my bullshit attachment to externalities. this is a foray in earned gratification that runs deeper than cheetos and chocolate. well, in one arena, at least. cigarettes and unhealthy-nostalgia, your numbers are almost up.