there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you were meant to be (it's easy)

one extremely late night during my first year of college, powered by caffeine, i hallucinated what i thought was an epiphany. the beatles weren’t saying “love, love, love” at the beginning of “all you need is love.” i decided they were crooning “blah, blah, blah.” i focused on specific verses as i pushed repeat over and over again to clarify my point. “there’s nothing you can do that can’t be done” signaled the tediousness of life, etc. in the morning at breakfast in the caf, i shared my “finding.” “what are you saying? that’s crazy.” “all you need is ‘blah’ ? yes, i am sure that’s what the beatles were saying.” i laughed at my friends’ challenges, but mentally stood by the blah proposal.

since i’ve had typhoid, a lot of my days could be summed up with blah, blah, blahs or yada, yada, yadas. usually you summarize accomplishments at the end of the day. if you’re in an interesting place, you talk about the things you’ve seen. but when you’re sleeping like a slothful cat, and everything is an exhausting task, less stands out.

in the last two weeks i have gone to colorado and new york to visit two of my favorite people in the universe. usually when you go on vacation, you aim to see something. the blah, blah, blah of typhoid has granted me one raison d’etre—getting better. and, tired of sleeping, i decided to do it with love. sappy mcsapstra. whatever.

at first i was frustrated when i was too tired to go for a long hike in the mountains, go for a long run or walk around new york for the day. but then i realized how liberating it is to operate without objectives. that i could spend a whole day in new york, without defining my time by broadway shows or museums, but rather filling it with sleep, the greatest bagels in the world, and wonderful post-teaching evenings with diana. there aren't many days without some objective. writing a lesson plan. going grocery shopping. developing film. running. something. my only intention in the last few weeks has been to be objective-free. the thing about not having specific aims means that you don't feel guilt or diappointment for what is not accomplished. obviously, i know this isn't a lifelong luxury. it's some bonus of having typhoid. the upside in not feeling myself for 2 months. really, the main reason i live without goals is because being sick has so often meant that i can't accomplish them. so it's like a protection measure. someday i will need to return to teaching, being responsible for things outside myself, etcl. and hopefully i can still maintain some of the freedom of the days without goals.

i would probably feel differently if i hadn’t been to new york before. but, somewhere in the last week, i have modified my paradigm. why define days according to terms that will always amount to failure and unhappiness? yeah, it sucks to be tired all the time, and i could be depressed about it. but it’s also amazing not to be tied to goals and responsibilities and to do lists. to be content with watching movies and reading books. the “blah, blah, blah” of typhoid could be, instead, love for simple days defined by friends and relaxation. and, when i have enough energy (which occurs increasingly more often) to hike to a waterfall that’s still not defrosted from the winter’s ice or walk around central park, i appreciate it even more. of course, eventually i came to my senses. now, thinking about it, i wonder what emotional state i was in to believe that life could be summed up by “blah, blah, blah.” the “love, love, love” refrain is much more fitting for the joy of little moments and monumental friendship.